Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life! My first bit of good news!

It’s going to be OK – My first bit of good news this week.

It’s been a week of tremendous change and lots of lows for me having had the worst chemo side effects yet and losing my job in the same week, so I reminded myself that tonight this time last year I threw a party for my 50^th and celebrated in style.  If I had known that night that I was to lose my job and have ‘bastard cancer’ within a year would I have still spent all that money on one night?  You bet your bottom dollar I would!  How can you put a price on a night where you get to see all of your friends, your family, your work colleagues and your school mates under one roof having a great time.   

Can anyone put a price on that?   It reminds me that simple pleasures really are the best, seeing people laugh, people dance, people happy is a great birthday gift and one I would repeat a million times over.  However I am a little sad at the contrast to how I have spent my day today and how quick things can change.

Sometimes things happen for a reason and I have the space and time to concentrate on what is important. My priority right now is my health as without it what have any of us got.  What I can tell you is that I have known that from a really early age and I have always had a good feeling that someone somewhere is looking out for me and I have been lucky many times when faced with adversity and something good has happened and propelled me forward when I have needed it most.  Luck, however, is where preparation meets with opportunity so you still have to drive yourself to do better.

I have many good friends and family around me and I am fortunate to have the best sister in the world.  She always has my back covered and never lets me down.  In three weeks she is going to Sri Lanka on the charity ride we were going to do together and although I will no longer be able to go I am excited by the opportunity this will be for her. Although a little envious at the same time but know the cycle china girls will look after her and keep her spirit going. 

Now for my good news:  This week I had an ultrasound and it confirmed that my chemo is working and the cancer looks to have retracted from the lymph nodes as they could not see any lumps or swellings or cancer cells.  So you see nothing else really matters. A year from now I will be free of this 'bastard cancer' and then you won’t be able to stop me.

Love Wendy J 

Some things in life are bad
They can really make you mad
Other things just make you swear and curse
When you're chewing on life's gristle
Don't grumble, give a whistle
And this'll help things turn out for the best
And...

Always look on the bright side of life (whistle)
Always look on the light side of life (whistle)
If life seems jolly rotten
There's something you've forgotten
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing

When you're feeling in the dumps
Don't be silly chumps
Just purse your lips and whistle - that's the thing
And... 

Always look on the bright side of life... (whistle)
Come on!
Always look on the bright side of life... (whistle)

For life is quite absurd
And death's the final word
You must always face the curtain with a bow
Forget about your sin - give the audience a grin
Enjoy it - it's your last chance anyhow

So always look on the bright side of death (whistle)
Just before you draw your terminal breath (whistle)
Life's a piece of shit
When you look at it

Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true
You'll see it's all a show
Keep 'em laughing as you go
Just remember that the last laugh is on you

And always look on the bright side of life
Always look on the right side of life (whistle)
Always look on the bright side of life (whistle)
Always look on the bright side of life (whistle)

Walls come tumbling down! - You don’t have to take this crap, you don’t have to sit back and relax!

Walls come tumbling down!

You don’t have to take this crap, you don’t have to sit back and relax!

 

I am reminded from the moment I wake up this morning on my birthday that I am 51 years old, have inflammatory breast cancer and have just lost my job!  So I can either sit here and feel sorry for myself or see it as the start of the next chapter.

I am no Mother Teresa, I have felt very sorry for myself for the last 5 days since I had my third session of chemo, which incidentally  was the day after the business I am a director of went into administration causing 180 colleagues to lose their jobs and their income and their lives like mine were turned upside down.  One minute we had a buyer and were going to be taken over and then the next it had fallen through and our walls came tumbling down!  It was good whilst it lasted.  It’s time to think of the next chapter.

It has to be said also that I feel crap following the chemo, I feel sick, I feel puffy from all of the steroids and I feel as though I am having an out of body experience, that I am looking down at myself and I will be honest at this point I am thinking WTF!

This time last year I threw a party for my 50^th, I think most people enjoyed it, we had a ball and I will remember it forever.  Celebrating with good friends and family is a joyful experience and I am so glad I did it as will treasure the moment in time forever.

This year I am sitting at home alone surrounded by presents from Jo, from Jenny , from my neighbour Jan and from my cousin Deborah and am reminded once again by the people close to me of how much my cancer affects them.  Yesterday I got a lovely surprise visit from my step daughter jenny and Joanne made a high tea with inviting neighbour Janet and our elderly neighbour Vera so the five of us ate a ridiculous amount of sandwiches, cakes and scones and there was not a drop of alcohol in sight!  What has happened to me!  I am going to have a nice day today though as T is just about to arrive and light up my day.    

 

My sister Jo is amazing but she sees and faces the brunt of when I am t having a bad day.  Having cancer makes you angry, well actually I will correct that, having chemo makes you angry as it makes you feel so crap and unable to function properly.  On Bank Holiday Monday I tested this anger out and released it by smashing most of my crockery on the floor, utterly useless point, no control of my anger management, frightened the hell out of Jo but I needed a good cry and it made me vent my anger out of my ‘cheap as chips’ Ikea cups and saucers instead of bottling it all in.   It is not normal though so I know it is something I need to watch.  Come to think of it not sure if this was about the cancer or I was imagining smashing a few people’s faces I need to get even with!  Whatever it was I need to let it go and move on.

The chemo meant that I also missed my Godson’s ‘Jack McKenzie’ charity cricket match which I really feel bad about but I know jack is up there watching over me and will understand.

So the summary:

I am 51 today

I have cancer, I have no Job

But

I have the best sister, family and friends anyone could wish for

I now have time to concentrate on getting myself better

I have an opportunity to find something I like doing for once

I still have a have a good brain and intend to use it

It’s time for a change

So Bring it on!

 

Style council - Walls come tumbling down.

You don't have to take this crap
You don't have to sit back and relax
You can actually try changing it
I know we've always been taught to rely
Upon those in authority -
But you never know until you try
How things just might be -
If we came together so strongly

Are you gonna try to make this work
Or spend your days down in the dirt
You see things can change -
YES an' walls can come tumbling down!  

Second Chemo two days before third session!

Second Chemo two days before third session!

Not Had Writers block!  Just did not want to write garbage!

Garbage!

I don't know what else to say
I can't, I can't think of nothin'
I'm stumped
Here we go (Here we go)

Eminem

Sorry folks, I told you I was not a writer and therefore I have had a none writer's writer’s block ! I am putting it down to chemo brain which means that everything I have tried to get down on paper has been garbage! I am also getting words mixed up when I speak and my gift of malapropism is escalating and growing quicker than my 'bastard cancer!'

However, there are a lot of you out there thinking I have not been very well and as I said in my last blog I had a ropey few days following my last chemo but have been well for the last couple of weeks.  Therefore garbage or no garbage I thought I should have a go at communicating with you all.

Last weekend Karen Tottey and Norma Linton (Two ladies we met on cycle china) came to stay, it was lovely to see them both but my god can they shop!  I thought I was bad but wow they ran rings around me and Jo and I ended up knackered but really enjoyed their company and what was a chilled girls weekend.  Jo, Karen and Norma are getting ready for cycle Sri Lanka and I have to admit I was more than a little envious that I am unable to go with them.  However we all signed up for the ‘women v Cancer’ night ride through London in May next year by which time I will have nailed my bastard cancer and be ready to celebrate with a nifty little 100km ride with hundreds of amazing ladies.  

http://www.actionforcharity.co.uk/eventdetailsnew2.php/urlsearch/Women-V-Cancer-Ride-the-Night

For any of you ladies reading my blog who fancy’s riding with us the maximum limit is 1000 ladies and they are getting booked up fast. You will have an amazing experience so come on join us on the first Ride the Night London next year.

I have to let you into a secret  shush, don’t let anyone else know as this is just between you and me but I am dreading my next round of chemo which is this Friday 23^rd August.  I know that my left hand will be used as a pin cushion as I have no veins and that by my birthday on 27^th August I will feel shitty and it will last for about 5 days.  Now I could just about put up with this if it made me lose some weight but given the only thing that eases the nausea is eating I just end up feeling crap and bloated!  Yuk.  However in the two days following on Saturday and Sunday before the nausea kicks in I intend to get on my bike and support Jo in her training.

This time last year I was celebrating my 50^th and had the most amazing and special night with those nearest and dearest to me, life-long pals and work colleagues who have become firm friends and have supported me for the last few years.  How things have changed in just a year, so please remind yourself to live your life to the max.  I have tried to do this and will continue to reach for the stars and drive myself forward until I beat my ‘Bastard Cancer’.

As much as I enjoyed it, I know what I want this year is just to be fit and healthy x J

Finally I have bought to sausage dog puppies which will come to me in September.  I have thought long and hard about the practicalities and the outcome is that I need to love myself to get better but give my love and focus to something else to stop me from getting angry, stressed and sad something I understand will happen on the bumpy road of treatment over the next year. It also gets me off my butt and out walking everyday which stops me from becoming a couch potato!

So let me introduce Roxy (named after Roxy Music my favourite band) on account that she has Jet black coat and Silvie who is a beautiful little silver dappled sausage.   Also because Jo and I are a little bit daft they are homage to Rosie and Sophie sausages our beloved sausages which we lost last year after 15 years of unconditional love from them.  Sausages are special little dogs that are funny, full of character and in charge!  To coin a phrase “Do you see what we did there” R & S lives on!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Love Wendy x

PS - GOOD LUCK TO DENISE BAYLEY WHO IS GOING THROUGH HER SECOND ROUND OF CHEMO TOMORROW AND IS BEING A STRONG WOMAN WHO WILL ALSO KICK THE HELL OUT OF HER “BASTARD CANCER”  DEN YOU ARE A STAR XXXXX

 

 

 

 

Chemo Round Two - Day 8 - Life is a Journey, not a Destination!

Life is a Journey not a Destination!

Today’s the Day!

Right that’s it, today is the day I am going to feel better again, I have decided I do not want to feel sickly anymore days, enough is enough. “Bastard Cancer” is closely followed by “Bastard Chemo”.

Sorry I have not written a blog for the past few days there has been nothing really to tell you that is in the least bit inspirational, funny, educational or just informative.

What has happened is that following my second chemo, which, for the first few days I feel as though I am on top of the world and master of the universe, I now realise that like last time the pattern is that days 4 through to 7 is the time when I feel really crappy, 4 complete days out of your life however, is nothing in the grand scheme of things.  Now I have gone through two cycles of this I have no excuses for not managing it better next time but it is not easy to manage when you are in it.

I have to admit I don’t think I paid enough attention to the emergency anti-sickness tablets as I mentioned in the last blog and this is something I need to manage better for next time (OK Jo pipe down!) and I struggled to drink as much fluid on account that the taste in my mouth resembles a rusty old lead pipe (Yuk!)

The main feelings over the past 4 days have been:

·        Low energy – unbelievable feeling of almost watching myself from above in slow motion, just staring into space

·         Complete opposite ends of scale of feeling hungry to the point of I would kill someone to eat anything salty or feeling so sickly that I can’t stomach anything, these can actually reverse within  minutes so really hard to control

·         Feeling wide awake one minute to nodding off in a nano second whilst I am speaking to someone (some might say they need to be more entertaining whilst I am in this mode!!)

·         Cramps in my stomach that are painful and just constant but bearable

·         Feeling I can’t wait for night so I can go to bed and then when I am in bed feeling I can’t wait for the morning so I can get up (restless and anxious)

·         Vivid dreams, weird dreams the like of which I have never experienced but that only appear to last a couple of minutes  before I am awake again (although this is giving me a potential new career in horror short stories as BOOM there are some juicy and gory ones!)

·         Involuntary shaking that takes hold of my body whilst I am asleep and wakes me up. (I have chosen to believe this is my mother again with her “GET A BLOODY GRIP WENDY!” efforts.

·         Running to the loo in the night at hour intervals which last time around I put down to celery-gate and now I am wondering if it is just the toxic chemo leaving my body

·         Paranoia – I have started to question every ache, every involuntary movement

·         Aggressive – Who would have thought me aggressive! (Sorry Jo and Tee and my boss who all experienced it this week) GRRRRR.

GOING FORWARD ACTIONS:

·         Understand this is the norm and accept it but manage it

·         Find some nice things to put in my diary and concentrate on the end goal (I am already a quarter of the way through six more sessions to go)

·         Walk more – I have never been a walker but now is the time to get off my backside

·         Be nicer to Jo – sorry Jo x

·         Think about my journey and how I want to play it, what places I want to see, what life I want to live, who I want to be on that journey with.

 

The last few days are a blip, they have gone Wendy is now back in the room and I am as  forward looking as ever  in completing my Journey, of kicking the the ass out of my "Bastard Cancer".

Love Wendy J

 

Chemo round 2 - Day 4 (Oh dear same point same dip!) Patterns I can deal with.

Dear All

Well I always said I would have to go through a couple to understand the patterns and the ups and downs of the process. Yesterday was the same dip as round one in that the couple of anti-sickness drugs wore off and I did not use the emergency supply they gave me quick enough thinking I was king of the bloody world as usual.  The consequence of this is:

Shakes
Nausea
Sickness
Low mood

But today:

I am back on it.  Feeling much better, Poor Jo has left the building for a much needed rest and I am working from home.  Now this time round in the first chemo round you will remember, it was my now infamous celery story so I am going to have another bash at it because it cleared the nasty chemicals out albeit over night last time and I felt much better, but now I know to have it for my lunch instead! so guess whats on the menu for today!

I see myself in many ways throughout this process:  Being strong, being independent, being positive, being able to function and to continue to do my job well, managing my health, etc. I do sometimes have trouble with remembering it's OK and normal to have off days, I like to think I am superwoman but the reality is I am not.  I am Wendy with "Bastard Cancer".   I have also under-estimated what this may be doing to those around me particularly the people I am most close to, particularly to my doting sister Jo.  I am not the easiest person to be around when I am on one.  Steroids definitely put me on one!  I have to thank my blessings that I have good support from her and my other close family, Jenny, Tee, Cousin D, Janet my super neighbour and friends and colleagues  near and far and I once again thank you for your continuing support of me, it is keeping me going. Keep it coming.

"My bastard Cancer" has no support, it's being knocked down bit by bit

I leave you with my thought for today:

It's how I see myself that counts - And I see myself as a fighter who is winning. I will never be a victim. NEVER NEVER NEVER. Now where have I put the bloody celery!

Chemo Round Two, Day Three: Carry on Cycling! - A good laugh and a long sleep is the best cure for anything.

Day Three - post second chemo

I woke up feeling very queasy but did manage a better night sleep.  We decided to go on a bike ride and so the saga began!

Jo and I had a good healthy breakfast as I am constantly starving again because of the steroids and as hyper as a rabid dog and apparently according to Jo as equally as aggressive as one!  (Sorry Jo!) RAhhhhh!

Anyway, bugger the "bastard cancer" bugger the "chemo side effects" Lets get on our bikes and roll with the wind!  That was how we felt at 9.30 and ready to ride, this then is what happened next:

9.30am - showered, breakfast, cycling gear on, bikes out ready to go
9.35am - John, Jan's husband comes across ready to join us
9.40am - John decides he is doing his own route and not coming with us today
9.50am - John decides he is coming with us and we load mine and his bike into the back of one of his three estate cars parked on his drive, Jo is all the time sitting in her car waiting for us to leave.
10am- I say to John "do you think you better change out of your trousers and into your cycling shorts and shoes before we go"- "oh yea" he says and disappears into the house for another 10 mins
10.10am - John comes out of the house and says "oh f**k, I can't find my keys to the car", he searches for another 20 mins with Janet tearing her hair out and then decides we should unload the bikes out of the car and into another estate.
10.30 am - We get in the car to hear a holler from Jo, just need to go to the loo, so in she goes only to come back about another ten minutes later as by this time she needs to go through her routine of locking back up my house and checking everything is in order.
10.45 am-  hooray we are finally on our way. 
1l.00 am - We park up near the river Trent on our way for an enjoyable jaunt down to the National Water Centre a couple of miles away which you can do laps around.
11.10  am - Jo hollers, "wait" and gets a bloody puncture

Now I want you to picture the scene: the three of us stopping to discuss how we are going to mend a puncture without any tools.  John takes the lead, Jo, by this time is having an asthma attack on the floor, and I am hyper mode giving her grief about why she has come out without any tools, bear in mind that don't have any myself of course, neither does John and in fact at least Jo does have a spare inner tube yey!  John also decides it wold be interesting to blow up the burst inner tube to see what has happened to it as he found it fascintaing (yawn, its a man's thing!) We are eventually rescued by various passers by who must have thought we were a  and we eventually get on our way.

We eventually get to the National Water Centre and do a couple of laps before we head back along the river to the cars. The wind was so bad that poor Jo's asthma kicks in to the point that we have to keep stopping and we tell John to ride on ahead of us back to the cars.  John however decides to completely ignore the route and by the time we get back to the cars he is not in sight.  Now we are in trouble as I want to pee so badly that Paula Radcliff  springs to mind and I am one second away of peeing in a public street. Oh lord!  An ambulance goes by on full alert and we think that John has probably had a bloody heart attack as he is still nowhere in sight.  A good 20 mins later John comes tootling down the road saying he decided to go and have a look at Notts Forest from the Trent before finally admitting he just got bloody lost!  

I would just like to remind everyone that I am meant to be the diva, I am the one with bastard cancer, I am the one who has just had chemo, and when we get back to the house I try to convince Jo to take some of my steroids but she is having none of it!!  John then finds the keys to the original car under the visa.

When we get back to the house I am so traumatised I go to bed and fall into the best sleep I have had in ages, the wind and air clearly doing me some good.




 Finally the education and science bit - Keep checking girlfriends!  courtesy of cousin Deborah! x

Love Wendy x

Chemo Round Two - Complete Knock out!

So today was my second round of Chemo and it went very well (Here’s the Science bit!)

·         White Blood Count at 7.2 was better than before I first started – result

·         Haemoglobin was 13.2 – result

·         Oxygen level 97 out of 100 – result

·         Blood pressure normal

·         Bloody hard to get the cannula in on account I have poor veins in hands and after the third attempt and a fair bit of swearing from me and deep breaths the nurse did get it in fair play

·         So the chemo commenced

It was a long day as you have to wait for the chemo cocktail to be made to your specification from height and weight, after all the above information has been cleared so there is endless waiting around, bad enough for the patient but very tiring for poor Jo.

Also she had to run with me to the loo every 15 minutes due to the amount of liquid you drink or have put through your body and help me take my pants down, on account it’s difficult when you have a cannula in your hand.  Sisters do this for each other in times of need but all I will say is thank goodness I have the ‘bastard cancer’ and not Jo.  Not just because I love her and would take it 100,000 times over than see her with it, but, also because I am the sister who would struggle with that and she is the caring one between us. As most of the patients in the ward today were men with prostate ‘bastard cancer’ they maybe thought I was a man in drag the amount of times I went. Particularly the one in the cubical next to the loo who kept saying ‘not you again!’

We had a giggle, but there are many giggles to be had in the cancer unit, people are bloody brave, bloody marvellous and there is a positive upbeat aura in the unit.

Anyway I thought I would sum it up from Jo’s perspective in a parody of the classic ‘Twelve days of Christmas’ It needs work but you will get the idea and I know you will all be singing it on our behalf as you read it!

Six Half Hours of Chemo! (To the tune of 12 days of Christmas) dedicated to my brilliant and supportive sister Jo x

 (To the tune of 12 days of Christmas)

On the first half hour of chemo my sister said to me:

A positive mind and a giggle from you & me

On the second half hour of chemo my sister said to me:

Eat organic grapes and A positive mind and giggle from you and me!

On the third half hour of chemo my sister said to me:

Drink lots of water, Eat organic grapes and A positive mind and giggle from you and me!

On the fourth half hour of chemo my sister said to me:

Stop bloody moaning, Drink lots of water, Eat organic grapes and A positive mind and giggle from you and me!

On the fifth half hour of chemo my sister said to me:

Shut the f**k up please,    (it’s the steroids make me hyper!)

Stop bloody moaning, Drink lots of water, Eat organic grapes and A positive mind and giggle from you and me!  

On the sixth half hour of chemo my sister said to me:

Cold cap really suits you but,

Shut the f**k up Please,

Stop bloody moaning, Drink lots of water, Eat organic grapes and A positive mind and giggle from you and me!

On the seventh half hour of chemo my sister said to me:

What’s with all the peeing, Cold cap really suits you but,

Shut the f**k up Please,

Stop bloody moaning, Drink lots of water, Eat organic grapes and A positive mind and giggle from you and me!

On the eighth half hour of chemo my sister said to me:

The nurses think you’re crazy, what’s with all the peeing, Cold cap really suits you but,  

Shut the f**k up Please,

Stop bloody moaning, Drink lots of water, Eat organic grapes and A positive mind and giggle from you and me!  

On the ninth half hour of chemo my sister said to me:

I’m not your bloody servant, The nurses think you’re crazy, what’s with all the peeing, Cold cap really suits you but,  

Shut the f**k up Please,

Stop bloody moaning, Drink lots of water, Eat organic grapes and A positive mind and giggle from you and me!  

On the tenth half hour of chemo my sister said to me:

More tea and biscuits, I’m not your bloody servant, The nurses think you’re crazy, what’s with all the peeing, Cold cap really suits you but,  

Shut the f**k up Please,

Stop bloody moaning, Drink lots of water, Eat organic grapes and A positive mind and giggle from you and me!  

 

On the eleventh half hour of chemo my sister said to me:

Thank F**k it’s  nearly over, More tea and biscuits, I’m not your bloody servant, The nurses think you’re crazy, What’s with all the peeing, Cold cap really suits you but,  

Shut the f**k up Please,

Stop bloody moaning, Drink lots of water, Eat organic grapes and A positive mind and giggle from you and me!  

 

On the twelfth half hour of chemo my sister said to me:

We can beat this Wendy, Thank F**k it’s  nearly over, More tea and biscuits, I’m not your bloody servant, The nurses think you’re crazy, What’s with all the peeing, Cold cap really suits you but,  

Shut the f**k up Please,

Stop bloody moaning, Drink lots of water, Eat organic grapes and A positive mind and giggle from you and me!  

My ‘Bastard Cancer’ Round 2 – Knocked out!

 Finally I have put two pictures up, of me in the cancer unit today, one of which is me in the cold cap designed to stop your hair falling out. The other which Jo protests is near the knuckle for some of you, so I apologise and say look away now. But what I wanted to show was how the chemo is administered and give you the honest version which frankly is not that bad.

finally thanks to my brilliant neighbour jan who tidied up

Night before second chemo - Good News at last. If you think you can, you can!

If you think you can, you can!


Today I went to the Gym for the first time and managed to complete a 45 minute workout which nearly killed me. But I haven't been for 8 weeks so can't blame my "bastard cancer!"
Jo my sister has arrived to support me on my visit to the oncologist.

So it's just a short educational one tonight at the oncologis'st todayI received my first bit of good news: Hooray! 

What was my good news?

About 75% of all breast cancers are “ER positive.” They grow in response to the hormone estrogen. estrogen then the cancer is considered hormone-receptor positive and likely to respond to endocrine therapies.

Breast cancer tumors that are ER positive are 60% likely to respond to endocrine therapy. Tumors that are ER negative are only 5% to 10% likely to respond to endocrine therapy.

Endocrine therapies for breast cancer are treatments usually taken after surgery, chemotherapy, and/or radiation are finished. They are designed to help prevent recurrence of the disease by blocking the effects of estrogen. They do this in one of several ways.

• The drug tamoxifen, taken by some women for up to five years after initial treatment for breast cancer, helps prevent recurrence by blocking the estrogen receptors on breast cancer cells and preventing estrogen from binding to them.

• A class of drugs called aromatase inhibitors actually stops estrogen production in post-menopausal women. These drugs cannot be taken by women who have not yet gone through menopause.

The alternative would have been

• HER2-Positive Breast Cancer

  In about 20% to 25% of breast cancers, the cancer cells make too much of a protein known as HER2/neu. These breast cancers tend to be much more aggressive and fast-growing. 

I already have a fast growing cancer in Inflammatory cancer so this was the best news I cold have recieved at this point.

And so tomorrow I have my second chemo and in a funny way I am looking forward to it.  The quicker I get through this part of the process, the quicker I return to normal health.

We ate 1,000 grapes tonight in preparation for tomorrow (don't ask why they were recommended as a super food that hates cancer.  I will keep trying everything of course!



 

I can beat this.
Love Wendy xx